Pregnancy After Loss

This topic has been on my heart since November. I know there is so much pain and celebration around pregnancy after loss. Every single mom’s journey is different and surrounded by various emotions. In my opinion, there is not a wrong way to grieve or process a situation unless you are causing yourself mental, emotional or physical harm. However, this is just a snip of my journey during this time, it does not make it right or wrong, just simply sharing my thoughts and emotions. Also, I am just letting the thoughts fly on this post, I have sat too long trying to figure out what to say and I am trusting that my words will fall among the ears that need to hear it.

“Pregnancy after loss,” it may just be my algorithm on social media, but I feel like this is a term used quite often in this space. Before Wesson, I used to see that and think “wow I can’ t imagine, that must be so hard,” then move on to the next activity in my day or post on my feed.

Today, it hits different. I try to make a conscious effort to stop and pray for that momma. To show her intentional love on our page and pause to show honor to the strong mom AND dad and baby. For me, I always pictured pregnancy after loss to only be a time of joy and celebration, no pain or tears.

I have learned over the past 10 weeks of pregnancy, that this time is full of both celebration and heart ache. It’s the fear that people will forget the baby in heaven, it’s anxiety that comes with every appointment now that you know the other side, it’s the almost paralyzing thought of going through what was your last babies’ things, to see what you can use for this baby.

It is also that joy of knowing how precious of a miracle every pregnancy is, the celebration of answered prayers, the enjoyment of EVERY sign of pregnancy whether that be morning sickness or needing bigger pants because you are just SO happy there in new life within you.

Amongst all the hormones, their is both grief and celebration. It is something I do not if I will ever be able to fully explain or even understand myself. Whether a momma carried her baby for a couple weeks, a couple months, full term, or held her baby outside the womb for a period of time; it is all loss.

We as moms connect with that baby in our belly in a way that truly only moms can understand. I have had many people tell me, “I am so happy for you, you deserve this after all y’all have been through.” I have to remind myself as I did throughout our two year IVF journey that we do not deserve anything. Jesus came to save us from an eternity of death. His grace upon grace, allows us to have good and great moments on this earth, but none of that is deserved. It is all given from Him because of His great love for us.

God promised that this life on earth would not be easy because sin entered the world, but He also tells us time and time again that this is just a blip compared to the eternal perfect life we will live with Him. We can’t wait to see Wes again.

I used to catch myself during moments of bad news and grief saying, “why not us? haven’t we been through enough?” I had to work on reframing my mindset through therapy to be pointed to the hope we have in Jesus of all pain being gone one day. Remembering that we deserve death, not life, yet God took that away by giving His first born Son up for death for us.

After losing a son, this reality of what Jesus did really hits home. We lost our son unwillingly. We prayed for weeks for healing to occur, yet Jesus willingly gave His son up to death.

To the momma experiencing pregnancy after loss, feel every feel. It is okay to mourn what was, it is okay to be in question about what will be, it is okay to feel undeserving or deserving. Whatever you feel , it is valid because it is YOUR feelings and your journey, no one else’s.

For the momma in waiting and wondering, your time is coming. Continue to seek God first in all you do. Dig into His word, surround yourself with positive lights, do NOT give up on God because He will never give up on you. Don’t play the blame or victim game. Fully surrender your plan to His and you will be amazed.

For now as I am in a season of “pregnancy after loss,” I am trying to live every day in gratitude for the life inside me. On days when I feel anxious about the next appointment, all the newborn hospital tests, all the things that “could” go wrong, I stop myself in my tracks, pray, turn on worship music and give it to Him.

At the end of the day, it is already planned out for us. God knows exactly what moment and minute our baby boy will be born. He has known this before we even had our Rylee girl 4 years ago. How sweet it is to be loved by Him.